ugh.

I would like to go home now.
I'm rather sick of traveling, this feels ridiculous. And stepping back and looking at it all, it looks ridiculous, though admittedly, mildly so, in most quarters.
I hope I feel better after conducting the interviews and applying for grants.
Because this isn't 'transition' anymore, this is just ridiculous. Pedaling a bicycle in place. I might as well be pedaling in place in London as anywhere. Right? No, wrong. In London I could never afford a flat.
All this almost-home stuff is getting ridiculous though. I mean, come on.
I feel distinctly odd. I must be looking for home too vigorously. How else to explain all these fits and starts? It kind of makes me want to just go back to some kind of horrible system. Some program. Some school. But not really.
I feel like I did in the last 6 months of boarding school. Kind of over it, in a big way.
But am I 'over it'?
I don't know that I've made a proper effort. I've made umpteen efforts, but properly?
God. I don't want to yell at myself though. I can't possibly do this shit any better than I've been doing - I'm doing the best I can, even if it's ridiculous.
Ugh. I don't think I want to go it alone anymore. It's getting to be beside the point.

E.